Diary Of A Snake
by lunarxshinobi
Summary: Orochimaru's Diary, Feel free to shudder occasionally.
1. Chapter 1

**Dairy of a Snake**

Dear Dairy,

My name is Orochimarou. and I am SO SMEXY. Aren't I? Of course I am. I don't need to ask you. You are just a book. But You are a book with a picture of Sasuke on you! So you are awesome! Did I yet mention my student? He is very smexy. But not as smexy as I am. YEAH I'M SMEXY. Yep. Kabuto tells me everyday. Kabuto's such a good little servant. But he's not Sasuke. Oh, If only Sasuke liked me like kabuto did. Then my life would be perfect. yes it would. Now if you excuse me, I'm gonna go try to catch my smexy little student napping.

Sincerely,

Orochimarou

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Dear Diary,

Sasuke locked his door. He's so mean. and then he locked his window. and his closet. DANGIT. However did my smexy little student find out about the secret tunnel I had leading into his closet? Anyway, I can content myself with watching him through his window. But it's nothing like sneaking into his room. I wonder what I will do tomorrow? Oh, I know! I will go to the spa and have Kabuto follow me and tell me how smexy I am while I get a deep tissue massage! Yes! That will be so awesome! I am going to go have Kabuto tell me how smexy I am right now too! I will have twice the compliments!

Sincerely,

Orochimarou

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Dear Diary,

My student started beating me with a stick today! It hurt! I mean, how terrible! And I felt so smexy today! I had just got back from the spa, and I was feeling super smexy from all of Kabuto's descriptions of how smexy I am, so I decided to give my student a tiny lick, when he started beating me with a stick! I mean, how terrible! I have all of these bruises now, and they're ruining my smexiness! noooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Sincerely,

Orochimarou

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_**REVIEW!!!!!!!!**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Diary of a Snake**

Dear Diary,

I AM SO FLIPPIN SMEXY! I mean, look at me, just look, aren't I so very smexy? yes, yes I am. I am the KING of smexy. I rule the smexy people. Hey! Does that mean I rule Sasuke? YAY!!!! You know what Diary, you are so smexy with your picture of super smexy Sasuke on the front cover, I think I'll call you SMEXY-CHAN! Yes, you are no Smexy-chan! Or mabey I should call you Smexy-Sasu-chan. YES, THAT IS EVEN SMEXIER. Dear Diary, you are no Smexy-Sasu-chan.

Sincerely,

THE KING OF SMEXY, Orochimarou

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Dear Smexy-Sasu-Chan,

SASUKE IS SO MEAN TO ME! I was about to teach him a brand new jutsu, when he just started hitting me with a giant spiky board. I don't know what was wrong with him, but he was saying something along the lines of 'STUPID WEASEL RUINING MY SHIRT.' I don't get it though. Does Sasuke have a new pet weasel? I'll ask him if I can borrow it. Although, last time I asked if I could borrow one of Sasuke's things, he started beating me with a giant spiked metal bat and then he burned me to a crisp. So I really don't think my dear super-smexy student would let me see any of his pets. Well, I'll just get my own! TO THE SUPER SMEXY PET STORE FOR SUPER SMEXY PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,

Orochimarou

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Dear Smexy-Sasu-chan,

I've always wanted to say this. DANGIT, FOILED AGAIN. See, I was walking my smexy self down the hall, smexily, when I noticed that my dear smexy student Sasuke had made himself a lovely bubble bath. When Sasuke walked out of the bathroom to help Kabuto real quick, I settled my smexy self down into the bath and put on my super smexist smile. then when Sasuke returned, he opened the curtain, saw me, and then he ran out of there so quickly. I wish that he had at least dropped his robe before he ran. Oh well. I'll catch him again. Of course, I'll ctach him smexily.

Sincerely,

Orochimarou.


	3. Chapter 3

**Diary of a Snake**

Dear Smexy-Sasu-chan,

Sasuke found my old diary today! Then he tore it up into a million teeny tiny pieces and burned it to ashes! Then he beat me with a giant baseball bat and then he left! It was so mean! I got a new diary. This one's purple, which is so smexy! YAY FOR A NEW SMEXY DIARY!!!! Well, since this is a new diary, it needs a new, smexy, diary name! hmmmmmmm. What is as smexy as Smexy-sasu-chan? hmmmmmmmm. OMG. I know! Mini-Oro-Chan! I now dub thee, mini-oro-chan! Cause you're like, a miniature version of the ever so smexy me! YAY!

Sincerely,

Orochimarou

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Dear Mini-Oro-Chan,

OMG, THAT IS SUCH AN UBER-SMEXY NAME! YAY. I'm bored though. Sasuke wouldn't come out of his room today. I tried getting Manda to open the door for me, but the stupid not-so-smexy snake said that he wouldn't help me pry open an under-aged boy's door, and then he disappeared. Stupid non-smexy snake. I'm so bored. Well, I think I'll go to the nearest village that way I can grab a flame torch and burn my way through the door. Of course, I'll do it smexily, as I always do everything smexily, because I'm, like, the smexiest guy in all of smexyism. Yep. Well, see ya.

Sincerely,

Orochimarou

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Dear Mini-Oro-Chan,

Sasuke still won't come out of his room. He says he's striking and that he won't come out until I swear to stay at least 5 feet away from him at all time. I'm not sure that I'd be able to stay five whole feet around my ever so smexy sasu-chan! I must find a way! Why? because, I'm awesome. that's why. so ha. ha ha ha. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Why am I writing ha? wait, i know! IT'S BECAUSE I'M AWESOME! MHUA HA HA HA HA HA. BOW TO THE AWESOMENESS, PEOPLE! BOW! heh. OMG, I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING. My tounge is longer than 5 feet! I HAVE FOUND A WAY AROUND THE EVILNESS! MHUA HA HA HA HA.

Sincerely,

Orochimarou

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	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note

To my surprisingly loyal readers:

I'm sorry that I haven't updated since the second semester of my sophomore year. However, I will once again begin writing. I've been busy with homework and school and all of that fun stuff. But dangit, I WILL UPDATE ONCE AGAIN!


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